In light of the fact that everyone, at all times, will be wearing masks next week (UPDATE: Thanks to Governor Abbott's April 27th order, mask wearing will NOT be mandatory), this is the perfect time to rank the all-time great masks - this is a cross-genre list that will only be limited by the bounds of its author's knowledge of pop and geek culture:
10. Any Ninja Mask
As anyone who surfed the web via netscape can attest, ninjas are super cool and fight all the time. That cool factor is largely due to their masks, which also have the added bonus of being compliant with Harris County's mask mandate.
9. Phantom of the Opera
The original Masked Singer, the Phantom of the Opera has an iconic mask. Apparently, girls really dig it, but it is NOT in compliance with the Harris County mask mandate. And you thought this was a low-brow blog.
8. Space Kook
You were right. It is low brow. No list of Top Ten masks would be complete without at least one Scooby-Doo villain. All these cartoon villains wore masks in their various misguided attempts to swindle land from unsuspecting victims whose sole defense was a group of meddling kids and their dog. The "Space Kook" mask was sooo scary and that laugh . . . jeepers. It makes the list because it strikes us as the most technically elaborate as it created a ghostly skull head floating in a space suit. And you thought Alien was the first space horror genre. This complete covering WOULD pass muster in Harris County.
7. Lone Ranger
Iconic. Simple. The first of its kind. Also, completely useless and in no way does it "hide" the identity of its wearer. Granted, it is better than a pair of glasses (we are talking to you "Clark Kent"), but anyone who knows you would be able to figure out it was you behind the mask. Yet, it has been iconic for more than 100 years and the list of heroes to wear this little classic is very long. Zorro, Phantom, Robin, Green Lantern, The Comedian, Mr. Incredible, you get the idea. However legendary it is, it is also completely worthless in Harris County and you may be fined $1000 for wearing this one, and . . . also they will know who you were.
6. Jason Voorhees
I am not a fan of the horror genre per se. But, no list of top ten masks is complete without the iconic hockey mask of the killer from the Friday the 13th movie franchise. This is the stuff of nightmares. I don't think it would be particularly helpful to prevent the spread of COVID-19, nor would its owner ever really care. But if it's a choice between visiting Camp Crystal Lake or staying at home, I will stay at home! Just whatever you do, don't open that closet or turn off the lights.
5. Iron Man
The most useful mask so far. Cool on the outside, but extremely useful on the inside where your personal HUD has everything you need from the weather updates, speed, and even voice activated missiles! Unquestionably compliant with all mask mandates and air conditioned too!
4. Predator
The few of you to suffer through the seemingly endless string of Predator sequels can be forgiven for scratching your heads on this one. But, I go back to my original 15 year old self watching Predator in the theater in 1987. It was mind blowing. An invisible and seemingly invincible alien was hunting Arnold Schwarzenegger's team of elite special ops in the jungle with heat vision and a laser pointer of death. If that wasn't cool enough, it turns out the alien was wearing a mask and he was even more gruesome underneath. This mask is clearly compliant with Harris County, Dallas County, and any other intergalactic planet you might land on to go for a stroll or hunt.
3. Spiderman
Spiderman has the best costume in Marvel Comics. Case closed. There isn't even a debate. It has the added advantage of actually preventing people from discovering your secret identity. Plus, with the right filtration, it could easily be a N95 respirator. Definitely OK under the Harris County mandate.
2. Batman
The BEST mask in comic books is Batman's iconic cowl (BTW, if you think this assessment contradicts #3, then congratulations for NOT being a comic book nerd). Under normal circumstances this would be the #1 Mask, but the unique nature of the COVID-19 crisis takes it down a notch. First, Batman would be ticketed in Harris County for leaving his mouth uncovered (couch change for Bruce Wayne). Second, this whole thing started with bats in the first place. Sorry, Batman, like Corona beer, your branding has taken a hit.
1. Darth Vader
This Dark Lord of The Sith strikes terror in the hearts of rebels everywhere AND he is fully protected from the coronavirus. This is quite fortunate because Darth's pre-existing injuries and reduced lung capacity make him a particular risk for COVID-19. Thankfully, the Emperor has seen fit to give him this mask to protect him from all sorts of airborne pathogens and Jedi holdouts. Darth would thrive under the Harris County mandates as he never leaves his hermetically sealed bio-chamber without his mask securely sealed on his face.
