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  • Andy Adams

10 Skills I've Developed To Fight The Pandemic

  1. Incredible elbow dexterity. I have become "elbow-dextrous." I can open all sorts of doors using nothing more than the two elbows (and sometimes a foot) that God gave me. It's amazing.

  2. Expanded mental capacity. I now have a photographic memory of the 6 to 7 things I touch with my hands when entering a building. Remember, how Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes would do all those math computations in his head before judo chopping some dude in the throat? That's basically how my head thinks about the stuff I have touched now.

  3. Enhanced Fashion Senses. I now wear untucked Hawaiian shirts paired with sports jackets WAY MORE than I would have thought humanly possible before the pandemic. This may also be a form of fashion immunity, not sure yet.

  4. Increased Tolerances for Alcohol-based Cleaners. Since the pandemic began I have been slowly increasing my use of alcohol-based cleaners. I can now use them 3 to 4 times BEFORE any effects are felt. In a pinch, they can also be used for hand cleaning, but I prefer esophageal cleansing and that is probably a better virus-prevention tool anyway.

  5. Spousal Anxiety Counseling Skills. With four kids in the house all day long, the tasks of schooling, cleaning, and cooking for them has fallen almost entirely on the shoulders of my wife. She has been incredibly supportive and recognized that my insurance duties are essential (you know, like this blogpost) and there is no way I can be home early to diffuse fights or help with homework. In just two weeks, I developed the ability/willingness to purchase an exercise bike AND a treadmill to help reduce stress. I also brought home dinner a couple of times. So far, no one inside the household has taken notice of this enhancement.

  6. Improved Videogame Reflexes. In no way related to #5, are the dramatically improved reflexes I have developed playing more videogames at home than ever before. In particular, I have honed my Battlefront 2 skillset to almost superhuman levels (at least higher than most working adults over 40). I can now beat my 12 year old in head to head combat 1 out of 4 times.

  7. MacGyver "Oven Mitt" Skills. When confronted with a door or handle that is impossible to turn with my elbows (which is darn few now thanks to #1), I can fashion an "oven mitt" covering for my hand out of almost any object. Sort of like how MacGyver could make a bomb out of a paperclip and bubble gum wrapper.

  8. Sustained Screentime Tolerance. I can seamlessly move from checking and responding to emails, surfing the web for news about corona-virus counts, studying insurance contracts, reading outrageous tweets from POTUS, and choking rebel scum with the dark side of the force without any eyestrain or headaches. In addition, I have developed more tolerance for letting my children watch insane amounts of Clone Wars and Barbie: Dreamhouse while engaging in my own screentime. Fortunately, I developed skill #5 before this one really took hold.

  9. Expanded Hand Washing Duration. I can actually now wash my hands for the full 20 seconds and establish a thick lather of soap rather than the perfunctory wash job that was socially acceptable a mere 60 days ago.

  10. Improved Amazon Purchasing. My skillset in this regard was pretty fair pre-COVID-19, but it's now moved to a meta-human state. The speed of purchase combined with the crosstraining across multiple platforms - desktop computer, tablet, and smartphone - set the stage, but the addition of groceries--even fruit, yes, even freaking fruit, has taken it to a place I never imagined it would go. In just the last 48 hours, a vacuum-sealer and a portable UV-light cleaner have arrived at my doorstep. Thanks Lord Bezos!

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